Death is nothing for me

If someday or in the future, you found me dead.. maybe because of...

• tiredness
• sickness

or meybe..

• loneliness?

but most probably is because of Hopeless

Im confused about the reason why am i living in this world. Its fucking meaningless. Family and Friends aren't around me when im facing hard time. Yes, they are here. But, they refuse to see it or help me. Keep asking myself "why am i here?" To suffer? To being hurt? or to smile?

Started to keep away from everyone.. I have no faith in anyone nor myself. My life such a mess.. I hope i'll be given a chance to find a reason to breath. I'd lost my soul.

I work so hard, until im tired, sick then maybe die?

Maybe that's one of the reason..

No one knows.. I don't know..

We'll just wait and see..

Christy, your candy heart says Hot Stuff!

When you reach into the candy heart bag, there's no doubt you're coming up with a fire red heart that reads "Hot Stuff." It's not so much a label as it's your style — turning heads, getting numbers and raising room temperatures a few degrees when you walk through the door. You'd love someone who could match your flame-throwing ways, but so far, everyone just melts like wax when you turn on the heat. Got a romantic fireside dinner planned for you and your very own hottie? Better keep a hose nearby because sparks could start flying. And if you're still on the prowl, waiting to find someone who can hold their own against your undeniable sense of romance and action, keep a close watch. They're sure to come around soon when they see your "Hot Stuff" coming their way.

Im just a dumbass!

Sunday- As usual, Adrian picked me and yan up. Went to Wisma because i need to look for my working outfit. We'd spent almost 3 hours in Wisma. I just could found one piece of singlet and a black long pant. Its so exhausted. I didn't take any meal since morning but im not hungry at all. I felt abit pain in my stomach. Yan wanted to get her rest at Adrian's car, but we forgot where's location of Adrian's car. We walked from 3rd floor car park till 5th floor until we found his car. It's just really tired, not to mention, i'm wearing high heel. After awhile, Adrian was back from the cinema. So, i called Kingston and asked if they have any programme. He said, they will go to CP. End up at CP, i bought another singlet from Craze. Met up King they all at KFC. They decided to watch V for Vendetta . Its definately a nice movie that you shouldn't miss. Its so touch. I would like to watch it again. After the movie, we all ( kings,connie,russ,ah siong,don,mark ) went to meet up all the friends at Upperstar. Its Danny's birthday. Ramsay, Godfrey, Alna, Terence and his gf were there. Just like friends' gathering. Back home at 10 something cause i need to study for the test on next day.

At night seems to be the worst night i had. I've noticed that he went online for quite awhile but he didn't look for me. So, i chatted with him by started a GREAT conversation.

Do you really think i'm so desperate of arguying with you all the time? For you, im a kind of girl who love to being jealous. What about you TRY to ask the others, will they calm when someone that she loves and really close to, FLIRT in front of her? Im fucking sure you don't even think about it. Why am i say so? Because you're repeating it. Over and over! Fucking disguisting! Don't say you care nor damn worry of me while you are not. Its just a lie. What do you take me for?

I'm lying in my bed all alone. Called you once again. No one is home.

My friends say I'm too good, too good for you. And maybe that is true. Well I don't care. What do they all know. They got it all wrong. This is so unfair they are playing our song.

Im not regret of what'd i gave to you. But im fuckin dissapointed when you treated me like this. Im not sure if that is a joke between you and her or whatever.. Because of her, You started to ignore me, not picking up my call, not reply my text, yelled at me "SHUT UP" and somemore you don't even believe that im trying to kill myself. I knew you mean it. You know what? You fuckin mean!

The tougue is not steel, yet it cuts.

Nobody gets too much heaven no more. It's much harder to come back. I'm waiting in line.

Nobody gets too much love anymore. It's as high as a mountain. And harder to climb.

You had changed. You started to tell lies. You are not you anymore. Im just really dissapointed on you. I really hate of you, that is what you created it by yourself. Who can stand it? No one could stand this.. Im just a girl, who wanted to be in love. But.. what have i been through, i guess it is just fantasy. I never reach you and you never reach me. I hate of myself because i'm so desperate of you. Im so wanted to push myself as far as i can from you. Perhaps, i will not be so hurt..

It's done, you're on your own.

Something is going on. What is wrong. I want you to be here. Why don't you come. And spend some time with me. Can't you see. How we come undone. Is this the end of our song?

You ignore me because im not believe of what you said. Ask yourself, what've you done? You brought jealousy into us. Say you care, you worry, im special, i always have your love, you will hurt me no more, but you didn't show it nor i feel it. Ask yourself, what did you gave to me?

Nobody gets too much heaven no more. It's much harder to come back. I'm waiting in line.

Nobody gets too much love anymore. It's as high as a mountain. And harder to climb.

Ask yourself, am i deserve all these? You won in this game, you have totally break my down. Yeah, you deserve all good, but im not. Im FUCKIN hurt when think of whatever sweet little words that you told me. My thought is right. You will just fall in love with girls with preety face. Im FUCKIN sad because im not, and i don't deserve your love.

How do I deal with how I feel? How to reveal what's real, love? As another day fades away.. So I say...

You won! You won in this game! Im the loser and always. Im FUCKIN cheap! Hopeless! I'm so believe that I deserve everything bad. Its you who turned things became this. You made it! Finally you made it! You had killed me. Are you happy of it? Im a total IDIOT!!

Nobody gets too much heaven no more. It's much harder to come back. I'm waiting in line.

Nobody gets too much love anymore. It's as high as a mountain. And harder to climb...

Life begins..

*Headache* Fuh~ Im tired. My body and mind are very tired. My brain filled by lotsa information, about products, features and benefits, basic requirement...etc.. Its all about work. Yes, im working now, as a sales executive for Worldwide sales and advisory which under Citibank.

Start from 15th, i have to wake up at 6.30am, (remember, i don't drive!) to send my brother to school. Life turns abit normal.. Wake up-take breakfast-work-lunch-work-tea break-work and back home. I knew a few of peoples from my work place. Fiona, Susan, Tracy, Desmond, Ivan, Thomas, Sam and others.. They are all my colleague, my senior. Can't recall all of them. William is a guy from Tawau who also a trainee like me. My boss, Mr Choi, a nice guy he is. Well. this is what they said. 1 weeks of training had shorted to 3 days. Can you imagine how much should i learn in a day? It's absolutely more than you thought. William and I will be examine on next monday. Fuh!! Pressure!! Hopefully i could get the full marks, or else i have to re-take the test. *sigh* There's a few formula and basic information such as payment and charges, credit criteria to be memorize. Its confusing most of the time.

Colleagues.. Hmm, haven't know them well, but i think they are ok. I had been asked by Desmond for a date. Work is tiring, rather stay at home and get some rest than clubing. Everyone of them thought i have a bf cause whenever free time, i sure will dissapear from their sight. Well, its not that, it's because i don't know them well. I think im the one who work on time and rest on time. Not to mention, Im the youngest one in the company. Its a chance for me to gain experience. Hopefully everything will run smoothly.

Today, Desmond asked me if im going to watch lee hom's concert at KDCA tomorrow night. Im not going i guess. I need more rest. Work is a torture, but when you think of the pay, you will work hard no matter how difficult it is.

This job isn't simple as how my parents think. Yeah, i can get lotsa customers or subsmission from my parents. But.. The hardest things is about the approval.

2 months.. I will work hard in this 2 months before further study. Jia You!!

I do really hope everything will work out and I could stand it...

It's been few days since i talked to him. Told him that i will not bother him anymore. *sigh* I can't do it. I miss him alots..despite how i try not to think of him. Its my own feelings to deal with. It is so difficult yet unwanted. Im too stupid!! What should i do?

steady supporter

You're a Steady Supporter
Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

爱的线断了

Went out with friends today. It's a bad day to begin with. My hangover was gone. Finally i had a meal. Saturday, i just had three cup of nestum and a cup of milk. Yes, a day without food. Yesterday, I just had a plate of mee with honey chicken wing, a cup of ice tea and a cup of kit zai ice. Not to mention, i am having period. But weird, i just don't feel like eating at all. Great huh? My lips started to crack, my body getting very weak..I couldn't stand longer. I just feel sleepy or maybe dizzy all time.

Out with King too. They had dinner at new lion. I ain't pay attention of their conversation. I was thinking to kill myself with the knife. Maybe it doesn't hurt.. Damn! Soon, i might fall again. Im really tired, don't think i will stand up again. Im really really tired. No one could understand nor could help me. This is my life. Haha! It's screwed up!

烙印

那个梦的开始,等于这段爱的结束.趁他还未讨厌我之前离开,不好吗?

屡次告诉自己,是时候离开,几乎每一次都无法做到.因为心里还有他,都一直眷恋着他.这一次又是第几次了?

一直以来我所盼的就只有他的爱.可是,始终都盼不到.高不可攀.

爱他的人很多,爱我的有几个? 我只不过是经过他生命里其中一个毫不起眼的路人.

"勉强没幸福" 到底何时我才会接受这个说法呢?

命运是什么?

有一对男女分手了.*感叹* 他们是相爱的呀.看了她的部落,我竟哭了起来.非常可惜!相爱的人不能在一起是一件多么痛苦的事.他们选择了当回朋友,可是他们的心还是爱着对方.这是他们的命运吗? 安慰的是,他们曾经快乐地在一起.很无奈吧!

而我呢? 曾经站在垂死的边缘,最后我还是活回来了.我爱我的生命,爱与珍惜我周围的人.命运很坎坷,很折腾.它把我生命里最爱,最重要的人给带走.她是我的希望,为什么也把她给带走呢?天意弄人!心很悲痛,能有谁知道?

我试着爬起来,向前进.我还以为能够克服一切.昨晚证明了那是错的.原来,我并不是那么勇敢,坚强.真实又再一次把我狠狠地摔下来.为什么那么残酷呢?能有谁告诉我为什么?

Frust!

I'm screw up! Totally..
I thought i was brave, strong enough.
I thought i could stand up again and smile....
But i was totally wrong..
Hardly to stand up and move on.
Peoples thought i was alright.
Look at me right now!
What i am right now?
Im just a piece of shit!!

Last night was a night.. I drank as much as i can.. At last, i drunk. And i puke alots till now. Its a torture. I can't even remember what did i done, what did i say, and how did i get home..etc.. I did called him..and i cried. But i just can't remember what did i say.. I saw the text after i'm awake. I think i had screw everythings up including our relationship. Well, this is the end. Guess it is over! Fuck!

Im ugly! Really.. Please leave me alone..start from now..

Christy! You sucks!! You're such a BITCH!!

Do not let things happen!

Few things i wanna talk about today. Im wondering which will be the first, second, third... etc..

Ok, start from the story between me, Ray and Alice.

I did mentioned about my close friend, Ray at previous post right? He thought that we're not suppose to meet anymore because of Alice and i'm agree of it. But.. Last night, he asked me out for a drink at Yoyo with Sum and his friends. He brought me to his house after Yoyo. He tried to get closer with me and tried to pinch my nose.(he likes my nose) but i tried hard to keep a distance with him although he kept chasing me around the living room. I'm seriously mean it. Because i knew me and Ray can't be that 'close'. Besides, i understand how's Alice feel if once she knew it. And i never wish to be the 3rd person in peoples' relationship. Action speaks louder than words. I asked Ray to send me home. In the car, he was still kept trying to play with me. It's annoying. I didn't talk much with him and he knew it. Silent.

Back home, thought of it. Told myself, i will never meet Ray unless there's some other friends with us. Otherwise, their relationship might screw up because of me. Haha. I think what's Ray says was right. Perhaps, I should engage or get marry with Ken for not causing alots of misunderstood.

Second, im still confuse about my future. I need to study, but at the same time i have to earn money. Yet i haven't recieve any call from Citibank. Just now i had make a call to Tarc, Sabah Branch. I had been known that there will be no more intake after 22th May until next year. Sigh.. Hate da company! Why wouldn't they call me within one or two weeks?

Next, i got lotsa miss calls, texts and calls with different numbers since end of February. Where the hell they got my number? I will asked how they could get my number at first. But they jual mahal to me. Sigh. I hope that my phone number won't be spread out. =/ Freaky!

Between Love and Friendship

First of all, thanks to my friends cuz they brought me out.

Saturday night, dad argued with me about my lil bro. I felt upset because whatever i did were wrong. If he slap me at the time, im sure i will runaway again. He will never allow me explain, then i wrote him a piece of letter. I hope he would understand. This is the only way i could communicate with him.

Went to GSC for Pink Panther again. We're late for it. After that, we went to take supper somewhere around GSC. I had bought the Pink Panther's DVD. Im addicted of it. Adrian brought 3 of us to Bowlrama. Smooky place with all snookers and pools' freak. About 1 something, we left the place and head to Tanjung Aru Beach. On the way, 3 of us like crazy keep shouting till we saw police on the traffic junction. Fuh~ The policemen passed by and looked at us. Arrived Tanjung Aru, we walked to the beach and talked. The night reminds me of him.

Sunday, a sunny day. Hang out with Adrian, Belle and Felix. We took our lunch at Damai. Gee.. the mee and the soup were salty. After the lunch, we went to Terence's work place at Lintas and then to Bowlrama AGAIN. Kinda bored. 4.30pm, Adrian sent me to King's house. Picked Connie up and we headed to Sutra for dinner. Back home at 9.30pm after Connie's house. Didn't talk much with Dad. Catched up The Apprentice. Finally, Adam had been fired. Left 4 candidates, they are Randal, Rebecca from Excel Corporation and Alla and Felisha from Capital Edge. I think Excel with beat Capital Edge up. Went straightly to bed right after the show. Tried to sleep, but i can't make it. I don't know what's happen to me. I can't even fall asleep eventhough im tired and sleepy. I would just sleep around 4 to 5o'clock in the morning.What the hell is going on?

A close friend of mine talked to me last night. He desperated. He having lotsa problems especially with his gf. Pity of him. His gf's situation just like mine-Insecure. He wanted to ask me go out with him and that might be the last time we meet each other. Abit sad after heard of it. Anyway, i had reject to meet him. Case closed. Between close friend and lover, he choose lover. That's right. For now, i hope that they will be ok after this.

Sigh.. Im so 'fan'

111th post

Starlet


What is your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

That's it and what about yours?

Light up the eternal flame.

Close my eyes, and feel your mind.

Time has passed, I walked like a shadow.

Never knew, what I'm going through,

You touched my heart and take my breath away.

Whisper on the wind so softly.

Let the bright stars fill our dreams with love.

Reach for your hand,

and show me the way.

All the tears that haunt my past,

you promised,

it'll be better tomorrow.

Play that song,

You and I listened to,

and let it gently ease our pain.

Tender rain drops from the blue sky.

Flowers blooming.

Life's so divine, like sunlight on a stream.

You show the world to me.

So much love in this beautiful world.

Search for the brightest in the sky,

you will find the meaning of love.

Don't be afraid, just be yourself.

When i feel close to you,

You open my door and light the sky above.

When i need someone, you are there right by my side.

I wish we could stay as one.

I wish we could stay forever as one.

March 2006

It's beginning of March, hmm.. im wondering what's happening out there.. "out there". I haven't step out from my house for months.. Pathetic!! I am waiting a call from KL branch's manager. Geee.. Hate it! *Sigh* it's 4th of March and i haven't done anything for myself.

Guess everyone are busy with their works and studies. He started to work at Warrington. Seldom talk to him already. Sigh. I had made a shopping list. Wow~ there's lotsa things i 'need' and 'want' to buy. Hope that i can be a wise consumer.

For now, i need a pair of specs and contact lens. So.. Give me MONEYYY!!!